Papa Is A Phony!

Here is my regular spot where I wade through the effluent of celebrity news to scoop out the very best of modern tittle tattle just for you!

Madonna found herself at the centre of a media storm last week when it was revealed that the man in her music video "Papa Don't Preach"  was in fact an actor and not her real father.  In a interview the pop legend claimed that she was "In no way trying to fool anyone".  She went on to say that " This was not a documentary of my life... I may have drawn on some of my own experiences... but this was essentially the story of every girl in this situation"  Despite her assurances however, experts have confirmed that the female in the music video is most definitely Madonna.

Fans from all over the world have posted comments on the official Madonna fan-site pledging support for the actor/singer, while others have said they feel extremely let down by the 85 year old. One fan said "I had my suspicions at the time, but just put it down to random resemblance & intellectual frailty, now I feel completely used!" Madonna has publicly shrugged off charges of fraud & gross negligence saying "Look this video was made in the 80s, it's ancient history, as far as I'm concerned it's so over!" The British Prime Sir Anthony Head has hit back saying " War crimes were committed decades ago, but that doesn't mean the perpetrators should be absolved of all guilt"

The actor who played Madonna's  father, real name Danny Aiello claims he was tricked into doing the video.  Mr Aiello said "I thought I was shooting a video with my real daughter, then they brought this blond broad on... I didn't know who the hell she was...the crew said she was a stand-in used to rehearse the shots and that my real daughter would be brought in later, that turned out to be a load of baloney!"

 Madonna wasn't available for comment last night at her home in South Shields, County Durham

That's nearly all folks, it just remains to say that Madonna qualifies to be in this blog because she was in the films Dick Tracy & Die Another Day - both films were sort of about superheroes!

Coming soon - Madonna Scandal Rocks World!!

Pamela Stephenson Shut Your Mouth!

Over the years I've become increasingly aware that there is a serious issue that needs addressing.  For too long the public and media have colluded with a bragger. I aim to expose this bragger and alert people to the self-publicity factory that is Pamela Stephenson!

As a youngster I was quite a fan of Pamela Stephenson.  On the successful British TV series "Not The Nine O'clock News" PS was hilarious with her Kate Bush, Janet Street-Porter & Oliver Newton-John send-ups. She brightened up an otherwise pathetic GMTV by attempting to undress the male weather-man, and was generally outrageous during various guest appearance on TV shows.

Then she became a psychologist and a long successful career as a bore ensued.  In 2001 her book "Billy" all about her husband Billy Connolly was a great success.  PS even admitted that the success of the book temporarily made her the media equal of her husband.  This status soon faded, so in 2003 to top-up, she produced the book "Bravemouth" all about living with Billy Connolly.  There she chronicled how sadly screwed up the hugely successful comedian & actor was, while conveyed his enormous good fortune at being married to a fun-loving but wise psychologist.

The success of this  book propelled her on to such TV shows as "Shrink Wrap" psychoanalyzing celebrities in public, and many more opportunities too numerous to mention.

Her latest self-congratulating involved her interview with the Daily Mail, where she claims to have saved Billy's life.  This amounted to her nagging of Billy to go to the doctor where he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer and parkinsons.  She also claims to have convinced him to continue his comedy career, thus saving him from depression.  This is all probably true, but why tell everyone about it?  It's something that most wives have done for their husbands and will always do.  Men are notoriously bad at seeing their GPs and often require a bit of encouragement.

I have no doubt that PS is a good companion for BC and that they have a great marriage, but It seems to me that PS has totally cashed in on being married to BC.  She has bragged and bigged herself up.  She has presented herself as BC's carer, and made piles of cash from laying bare every nook and cranny of poor Billy's twisted damaged psyche.

So I say "Pamela Stephenson shut up about your husband, leave the poor bastard alone!!"

By the way, If you were wondering just how PS qualifies to be in this blog, she was in Superman 3!

This has nothing to do with my article, but if you enjoyed the last match of the world cup click on the link below to see it played out in Lego!

http://www.theguardian.com/football/video/2014/jul/15/germany-argentina-world-cup-final-brick-by-brick-video-animation

Coming Soon - Why Pamela Stephenson Needs To Keep Quiet!

Three Films You Absolutely Must Avoid!

BE WARNED!

TURN BACK, FOR THIS WAY SPELLS YOUR DOOM!

3 Horsefilms of the Apocalypse Cometh!!

Spoilers!!!

Escape Plan is the first turd floating to the surface of our DVD loo line-up

Starring Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger In their first movie as a duo, rather than as part of a team - like in "The Expendables" 

Stallone plays a structural engineer who job is to break out of prisons to expose flaws in security.  It all goes pecs-up when he is betrayed, and has to befriend fellow inmate Schwarzenegger in order to escape. 

I watched this film out of misty eyed nostalgia for the great 80's action movies I grew up with.  Unfortunately this film is a smelly stalker of those movies.  Empty, pointless & clumsy was ok back then, but it just don't fly now (Did you like my use of cool current language there?!) 

To say all the characters are 2 dimensional, is adding a dimension.  There is virtually no back-story for Stallone, just a wisp of a clue about the fate of his absent family & now what drives him. Schwarzenegger has even less, he is a mystery and reveals nothing until the end, which equates to only 0.5 more than nothing.

The only interest in this film was the impressive level of muscle on Stallone's ageing body & a previously unheard rant in German from Schwarzenegger.

Number two is appropriate for our second slice of shite 

The Counselor

Directed by Ridley Scott & with a great cast, surely this was gonna be great...

The Counselor as in lawyer, not therapist, which is what you'll need following the fall-out from this nihilistic death-bomb. 

The Counselor Michael Fassbender wants to fund his infantile lavish lifestyle, so invests in a drug smuggling operation. 

Being a fan of Breaking Bad (Along with it seems the entire human race) I thought this might be a bit of a fish-out-of-water-dabbles-in-drugs-fun. I was utterly, utterly incorrect! 

All quickly goes grotesquely wrong, with his friends and girlfriend being killed & ends with him weeping like a girl from “Little House on the Prairie” . 

If you like watching people suffer for absolutely no reason, with no hope, then you're love this – otherwise do not let this into your mind!  

I demand to know "Why did you bother, Scott, Pitt, Fassbender, Barden & Diaz?!"

About Time

Aptly titled, as Richard Curtis claims this is to be his last film or something. Let's hope he's a man of his word! 

 I actually didn't realise this was a Richard Curtis film when I started watching it. After around 20 minutes I started to think this was some up-start director trying trying & failing to cash-in on RC's syrupy success formula. Of course I had to check & realised with horror that the man himself had created this sad pub-tribute-band level film. 

The story centres around a 21 year old man who is told by his Bill Nighy dad (Who else?!) that the men in the family can travel back in time. What follows is a sickening, contrived bunch of scenes with the young fellow & his Curtisly perfect family having great times together. In one scene where he plays table-tennis with his dad, the forced half-assed laugh from BN is embarrassing to witness. I don't blame BN, I think he is fantastic & wish lazy directors would stop type-casting him. His evil vampire lord in Underworld was superb! 

The dialogue is pure Curtis, with the lead continuously channeling Hugh Grant, but with less handsomeness. The whole film is lethal to diabetics, but at least ends with a positive message about living mindfully and appreciating life. 

My message is this "You can have a better life if you don't watch this film".

So that's it, there it is, my little list of dirty dvd duds.  I've suffered so that you don't have to, I've thrown myself on the grenade of inept film making to save your asses.  I say this to you: Life is short, so only accept quality in your life!