Saturday, 5 July 2014

Three Films You Absolutely Must Avoid!



3 Horsefilms of the Apocalypse Cometh!!


Escape Plan is the first turd floating to the surface of our DVD loo line-up

Starring Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger In their first movie as a duo, rather than as part of a team - like in "The Expendables" 

Stallone plays a structural engineer who job is to break out of prisons to expose flaws in security.  It all goes pecs-up when he is betrayed, and has to befriend fellow inmate Schwarzenegger in order to escape. 

I watched this film out of misty eyed nostalgia for the great 80's action movies I grew up with.  Unfortunately this film is a smelly stalker of those movies.  Empty, pointless & clumsy was ok back then, but it just don't fly now (Did you like my use of cool current language there?!) 

To say all the characters are 2 dimensional, is adding a dimension.  There is virtually no back-story for Stallone, just a wisp of a clue about the fate of his absent family & now what drives him. Schwarzenegger has even less, he is a mystery and reveals nothing until the end, which equates to only 0.5 more than nothing.

The only interest in this film was the impressive level of muscle on Stallone's ageing body & a previously unheard rant in German from Schwarzenegger.

Number two is appropriate for our second slice of shite 

The Counselor

Directed by Ridley Scott & with a great cast, surely this was gonna be great...

The Counselor as in lawyer, not therapist, which is what you'll need following the fall-out from this nihilistic death-bomb. 

The Counselor Michael Fassbender wants to fund his infantile lavish lifestyle, so invests in a drug smuggling operation. 

Being a fan of Breaking Bad (Along with it seems the entire human race) I thought this might be a bit of a fish-out-of-water-dabbles-in-drugs-fun. I was utterly, utterly incorrect! 

All quickly goes grotesquely wrong, with his friends and girlfriend being killed & ends with him weeping like a girl from “Little House on the Prairie” 

If you like watching people suffer for absolutely no reason, with no hope, then you're love this – otherwise do not let this into your mind!  

I demand to know "Why did you bother, Scott, Pitt, Fassbender, Barden & Diaz?!"

About Time

Aptly titled, as Richard Curtis claims this is to be his last film or something. Let's hope he's a man of his word! 

 I actually didn't realise this was a Richard Curtis film when I started watching it. After around 20 minutes I started to think this was some up-start director trying trying & failing to cash-in on RC's syrupy success formula. Of course I had to check & realised with horror that the man himself had created this sad pub-tribute-band level film. 

The story centres around a 21 year old man who is told by his Bill Nighy dad (Who else?!) that the men in the family can travel back in time. What follows is a sickening, contrived bunch of scenes with the young fellow & his Curtisly perfect family having great times together. In one scene where he plays table-tennis with his dad, the forced half-assed laugh from BN is embarrassing to witness. I don't blame BN, I think he is fantastic & wish lazy directors would stop type-casting him. His evil vampire lord in Underworld was superb! 

The dialogue is pure Curtis, with the lead continuously channeling Hugh Grant, but with less handsomeness. The whole film is lethal to diabetics, but at least ends with a positive message about living mindfully and appreciating life. 

My message is this "You can have a better life if you don't watch this film".

So that's it, there it is, my little list of dirty dvd duds.  I've suffered so that you don't have to, I've thrown myself on the grenade of inept film making to save your asses.  I say this to you: Life is short, so only accept quality in your life!


  1. I think Richard Curtis films are just a bit of fun. They're not supposed to be deep. His films are now a national institution. If people enjoy them, then that's all that matters.

  2. Well that is it game over once again! I bloody knew it but i thought we we could take it further tho! we will be stronger next time!

  3. Moaning old git6 July 2014 at 10:52

    It's easy to criticise all the greats that you have listed in your post. Yes, perhaps their stars are fading a little now, but they have consistently delivered fabulous films over the last few decades. I ask you, what have you achieved that gives you the right to criticise these people?!

    1. Thanks for your comments MOG, and I agree that the people criticized in my post have indeed produced wonderful films in the past. On this occasion I believe that they certainly have not! I dare to criticize them, not as an equal, but as a viewer. As a viewer we all have the right to criticize what we see. The whole purpose of these films is to entertain us and thus make money. If we don't like what we see and word gets around, less people will see the film, and less money is made. We have then voted with our feet, hoping that they do better next time. I trust this answers your query.

  4. Have you ever watched 5 Psychos? My wife and I almost threw up!!

  5. This blog is spot on. Stallone was my hero when he made Rocky 1 Rocky 2 Rocky 3 Rocky 4 Rocky 5 Rocky 6 Rocky 7 Rocky 8 and of course Rocky 9 but when he started making crap like Rocky Goes Bananas and Rocky Rides Again I just wanted to spew. Fucking Stallone who the hell does he think he is?

    1. I was rather cross when Stallone did the Rocky & Bullwinkle show. i felt that he had betrayed the character that he so lovingly created. Also a squirell and a moose would never be friends, it's been proven time & time again. They don't like it up em do they!

  6. Richard Curtis isn't that bad. He's done a lot for charity remember. And he discovered Richard Pryor - still the UK's only black comedian. If it wasnt for Richard Curtis there wouldnt be any black people on tele apart from Trevor McDonald and the Desmonds family.

    1. I liked Richard Curtis during his Stigers period. Not sure why he changed his name, hair & sang pop songs, but I preferred him back then. He should make a film about a school with teachers who are great fun & inspire the children, my friends & I would watch a film like that in a heartbeat!

  7. I used to like heartbeat, why don't they bring that back captain? I'm sure Nick Berry would be more than willingly to reprise his role, I mean what's he doing now - bugger all I expect?! He's probably fatter than he was, but that didn't stop Bergerac and the old ladies still fancied him! Uncle!

  8. John Le Mesurier7 July 2014 at 21:49

    Yes I rather enjoyed Mr Nighy in Underworld, he came across quite well I thought. very convincing I must say. Rather gave me the willies - oh dear, quite.