Three Films You Absolutely Must Avoid!

BE WARNED!

TURN BACK, FOR THIS WAY SPELLS YOUR DOOM!

3 Horsefilms of the Apocalypse Cometh!!

Spoilers!!!

Escape Plan is the first turd floating to the surface of our DVD loo line-up

Starring Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger In their first movie as a duo, rather than as part of a team - like in "The Expendables" 

Stallone plays a structural engineer who job is to break out of prisons to expose flaws in security.  It all goes pecs-up when he is betrayed, and has to befriend fellow inmate Schwarzenegger in order to escape. 

I watched this film out of misty eyed nostalgia for the great 80's action movies I grew up with.  Unfortunately this film is a smelly stalker of those movies.  Empty, pointless & clumsy was ok back then, but it just don't fly now (Did you like my use of cool current language there?!) 

To say all the characters are 2 dimensional, is adding a dimension.  There is virtually no back-story for Stallone, just a wisp of a clue about the fate of his absent family & now what drives him. Schwarzenegger has even less, he is a mystery and reveals nothing until the end, which equates to only 0.5 more than nothing.

The only interest in this film was the impressive level of muscle on Stallone's ageing body & a previously unheard rant in German from Schwarzenegger.

Number two is appropriate for our second slice of shite 

The Counselor

Directed by Ridley Scott & with a great cast, surely this was gonna be great...

The Counselor as in lawyer, not therapist, which is what you'll need following the fall-out from this nihilistic death-bomb. 

The Counselor Michael Fassbender wants to fund his infantile lavish lifestyle, so invests in a drug smuggling operation. 

Being a fan of Breaking Bad (Along with it seems the entire human race) I thought this might be a bit of a fish-out-of-water-dabbles-in-drugs-fun. I was utterly, utterly incorrect! 

All quickly goes grotesquely wrong, with his friends and girlfriend being killed & ends with him weeping like a girl from “Little House on the Prairie” . 

If you like watching people suffer for absolutely no reason, with no hope, then you're love this – otherwise do not let this into your mind!  

I demand to know "Why did you bother, Scott, Pitt, Fassbender, Barden & Diaz?!"

About Time

Aptly titled, as Richard Curtis claims this is to be his last film or something. Let's hope he's a man of his word! 

 I actually didn't realise this was a Richard Curtis film when I started watching it. After around 20 minutes I started to think this was some up-start director trying trying & failing to cash-in on RC's syrupy success formula. Of course I had to check & realised with horror that the man himself had created this sad pub-tribute-band level film. 

The story centres around a 21 year old man who is told by his Bill Nighy dad (Who else?!) that the men in the family can travel back in time. What follows is a sickening, contrived bunch of scenes with the young fellow & his Curtisly perfect family having great times together. In one scene where he plays table-tennis with his dad, the forced half-assed laugh from BN is embarrassing to witness. I don't blame BN, I think he is fantastic & wish lazy directors would stop type-casting him. His evil vampire lord in Underworld was superb! 

The dialogue is pure Curtis, with the lead continuously channeling Hugh Grant, but with less handsomeness. The whole film is lethal to diabetics, but at least ends with a positive message about living mindfully and appreciating life. 

My message is this "You can have a better life if you don't watch this film".

So that's it, there it is, my little list of dirty dvd duds.  I've suffered so that you don't have to, I've thrown myself on the grenade of inept film making to save your asses.  I say this to you: Life is short, so only accept quality in your life!