Sunday, 26 January 2014

Last of the Summer Blade Runner

Welcome to what will be a regular spot about how a little Sci-fi make-over could transform some of the more mundane TV programmes or films.

Up first is a questionable blend of  "Blade Runner" the superb dystopian Sci-fi thriller film directed by Ridley Scott and starring Harrison Ford and  the British TV programme "Last of the Summer Wine" The inexplicably longest running sitcom (shitcom?) in the world.  This spirit crushing portrayal of existential boredom in the countryside, centered around a trio of immature aimless old geezers wandering around a Yorkshire village.  Most episodes involved the bored shitless 3 either: careening perilously down a hill in a poorly constructed vehicle, attempting/hoping to catch a glimpse of an old lady's wrinkly stockings or being chased by an outraged woman.    For some reason I've had the same thought for years:

What if Last of the Summer Wine based an episode on Blade Runner?

Imagine the haunting melody of BR but in a LOTSW style, all cheerful and jaunty.  The camera pans first over the Yorkshirescape, then the village,  finally resting on a billboard for Barret Homes with the tagline "Start a new life".  This week our trio hear that there are 3 confused escaped nursing home residents at-large in the area.  They of course decide to track them down having nothing better to do.  Lots of adventure and chases involving boxes on wheels ensue.  Eventually two of the escapees are caught: one gets hit by a milk float while trying to chase a balloon, another captured attempting to buy 20 packs of  Werthers Originals.  The tall one corners the final resident who happens to be a fascinating and attractive woman named Rachael.  He falls in love with her, sheltering  her from the authorities and his friends.   Rachael was once a city lawyer and believes she still is.  The tall one can't bring himself to tell her the truth,  deciding to run off with her in his Morris Minor.  In the last scene the Gromit voice one turns to the tramp one and makes the "Too bad she won't live" speech instead saying  "Too bad she won't remember" meaning she may eventually remember nothing without her meds, but does it really matter when all any of us have is the moment?

Yes I know a load of horse shit, I've bored myself now.  Please feel free to comment with your own ideas for a Sci-fi spruce up and stay tuned for the next abomination.


  1. i'm pasting a link to the last of the summer wine theme tune
    i imagine this is what old people actually hear when they're sat gazing out of windows in care homes
    you know the flump one is dead?
    i think the wallace one might be dead too
    but then last of the summer wine kept on going without them which i always thought was a bit grizzly
    a bit sci fi actually
    they were just replaced
    i dont know how the blade runner theme goes so ill have a listen in a mo
    i love lines like that in comments and emails, they make absolutely no sense!
    do you think last of the summer wine was just black beauty with old people?
    perhaps you could think about crossing last of the summer wine crossed with blade runner with black beauty and predator?

    1. Great comments Tony. I knew the Flump was dead, but I hope the Wallace one isn't I want to see more of Wallace and Gromit. I certainly hope that no one hears that theme at any time - even when they watch the programme and that when they are watching it they are actually watching something else. I think that is the best you can wish a person. I would like to see an aged Black Beauty where the horse basically doesn't need to run around any more as he has grasped the basics of language and uses a voice operated mobile phone. A full Sci-fi version of TOTSW may involve a trio of semi-sentient tanks roaming the countryside and absent mindedly crushing people while trundling down endless hills.

    2. Yes I can visualize it: The horse is shiny black plastic, like Darth Vader's helmet. He is old but now a cyborg so he can still run very fast. To dial a number he runs the appropriate distance, so to dial a number starting 07 he would first run 0 miles, then 7 miles.

  2. Thanks for your comments guys.
    Remember, your comments are oxygen to my fire!